Weblog

Monday, 14 September 2009

  • I need help.

    Everything is falling apart. As I'm sure you all noticed, (or maybe not, actually) I haven't been on in a LONG time. This might have something to do with why I'm failing so horribly. My current weight is 111. I don't know how this happened. I'm scared and frustrated and depressed. I was 105.2. I was only .2 away from my goal. But something happened. Lately when I try to fast it works for almost the whole day, but then temptation overrules me and I'll eat one tiny thing. But once I start, I can never stop. It terrifies me that I've lost control. My body disgusts me. I can't seem to get anything right. I don't know what to do.

    Tomorrow will be the two year death day of my old best friend. In honor of his memory, I WILL fast. I'm doing this for him. I cannot fail. I'm wearing all black to school tomorrow for him also.. It's a dress and I'm afraid people will make fun of how fat I've gotten. It will be obvious with the outfit. I almost don't want to wear it because of this, but I really deserve to be ridiculed after my failure. I wish I could have been a better representation for Aaron tomorrow, but I guess not. FML.

    Not to mention I'm failing my Algebra II Honors class already. And W seems to hate me. And D totally knows I like him and he thinks I'm a freak... I've lost almost all of my friends but K who also seems to be upset with me a lot lately. I've reached my all time low. I don't know what to do.. Someone please help me.

Friday, 28 August 2009

  • Fasting.

    I went up .6 from yesterday. I'm not TOO upset, because it could be fluctuation. But I have a feeling it's because of last night. I ate probably 800 to 900 calories D: oh no! I wasn't even that hungry. I just had an apple and I couldn't control myself completely. Every time I eat ONE thing after not having eaten normal for a long time, I lose control and binge. But this time had much more control than usual. I limited what I ate and opted for the lower calorie foods even though I craved the higher ones more. I'm getting much better at this.

    I'm spending the night at K's for her birthday tonight. There will be a cake tomorrow that we are making for her. I MIGHT have to eat a small piece of it. If I do, I'll feel pretty bad... Her mom makes cakes as a side job so they're always delicious and fattening and what not. But if I only eat that until monday night I should still lose the weight I need to to reach my goal of 105. Eventually, I want to be 100. But for right now 105 sounds golden to me.
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    In non-ana related-ness... I SUCK at algebra II honors. And I'm having severe issues. I really can't drop the class. What happens is, I spend an hour and a half in class totally confused, not knowing anything. go home, re copy my notes, analyzing them, read the part in the book, and attempt to teach it to myself. Then I do the homework. Then, the next day I come into school and go to lunch with H who checks my homework and tries to teach me everything I don't get. The ENTIRE year is going to be like this. The class time is a waste. My teacher can't teach me. Maybe I just don't understand her. I need advice! What do I need to do to lear this stuff? Does anyone know any good websites for algebra II help? omg. I feel so stupid. I made 100 on the Geometry exam last year. But I sucked at pre-algebra. and Algebra I, and now Algebra II honors. gahhh

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    Oh hey! also, I don't remember if I told anyone that I was going to be more "social and spontaneous" this year, but I joined the History club yesterday. Not a HUGE step, but I've never been in a club before. and I'm also going to join Drama club next thursday, and Art club when it starts. I'm proud of myself. :D

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    Weight: 105.8 (up .6) : /

    Today: Nothing, hopefully. It'll be hard at K's, but I can do it!

Thursday, 27 August 2009

  • .2 .... .2 omg .2

    .2 = the amount of weight I need to lose until I have reached my goal weight. D: OMG. I am in pretty much shock that I was able to reach this point. Lately I've found myself more in control. I am amazed at the ways I handle food now. I'm so proud of myself for this. Last night I had dinner (some pasta with cheese) and a fiber granola bar type thing and some hot chocolate but that was all. I didn't even have the desire to eat to be honest, which is SO amazing/weird/great, but I couldn't remember the last time I'd had a meal and this fact scared me so I forced myself to eat. If I had not eaten anything I probably would be 105 right now. But that's okay. I won't eat throughout the school day, of course. So when I come home and weigh myself I should be less because I don't drink at school either. I plan on eating something small tonight. Maybe an apple and some oatmeal.

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    Weight- 105.2 (my lowest weight. I'm like, ecstatic! :D )

    Today: Nothing yet; hopefully not much. :P
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    ALSO, I thought I'd mention something kinda ana-related that happened in school yesterday. I have a latin class with the most laid back/bomb/epic teacher ever. Like, he's more like an educated student. We can swear, eat, text whatever in his class and he doesn't care. He has a microwave and mini fridge hidden in the closet of the room lol. I can't even begin to tell you about him.

    But ANYWAY, we had to chose Roman names because he's cool and wanted us to have roman names. So we all chose first names and he gave us our last names, then we had to choose a nickname. There was a list of probably 300 names and everyone had to have a different one. Each name had a female and male form and the meaning of the name printed. My name means fat lard. haha. I thought it would be great motivation. He came to me and I told him my name, Arvina, and he goes "you know that means fat lard right?" and he starts laughing and so do I and I'm like "Yeah man." and he looked so confused lol. My friend H sitting beside me goes "It's because she's fat obviously" I think he was being sarcastic though which made me feel good. It seemed like a lot of the heavier girls in the room were pissed at me, but it made me feel better about myself. :D

Wednesday, 26 August 2009

  • A new all time low =]

    Please forget the band atl for two minutes! I am at my lowest weight; ever. Well, since I stoped growing anyway. I lost 1.4 pounds from yesterday's weight. I am only 1.2 pounds from my goal weight. I will continue to fast until tonight. I forreal don't remember the last time I had a meal (this scares me, a little) so I'm planning on having dinner tonight after school even if I'm not hungry.

    Hopefully today will be just as good of a school day as yesterday. =] I hope algebra II honors gets better! It was horrible yesterday!!!

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    Weight: 106.2 (OMFG. Really? YES!)

    Today: Dinner? idk what yet. and nothing else.

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Tuesday, 25 August 2009

  • First Day of School

    Today is the first day of my Sophomore year of high school. I finished my essays last night for English (My first class D:) and finished reading Siddhartha but did not finish reading Nectar in a Sieve haha. I will finish it today after school. Hopefully I can pass the test on it even though I didn't even read half of it. I got up extra early to ensure that I have enough time to make myself presentable. I have my last period with W. I feel the need to impress him.

    I fasted yesterday, and will continue to today, stopping tomorrow morning. I lost three pounds from not eating yesterday, so I feel GREAT. I'm only .6 pounds away from my lowest weight. I am less than three pounds from my goal weight. I should reach it if I can fast today.

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    With the exception of Algebra II honors, my first day of school was PERFECT. Everything was amazing.

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    Weight: 107.6 ( down three pounds! :D )

    Today: gah. I had ice-cream about an hour ago. We went out and it couldn't be avoided. I will eat nothing else until dinner tomorrow.

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    Output:

    Walking all over the school!!! D:

My Stats

HW:120
SW:118
GW:105
UGW:100

Goals

115,114,113,112,
111,110,109,108,
107,106,105,104,
103,102,101,100

My Rules:

*Work out every single day! Even if it's just 100 sit ups, I must always have done at least SOMETHING.

*Do NOT drink calories. Everything I drink must be 0 calories.

*Always count calories whenever possible. Even during binges. (The only times I shouldn't be able to count are when I'm staying with friends or when I'm at a restaurant without a website.

*Drink at least 1 cup of green tea EVERY day.

*NEVER GIVE UP!!!!

Pulse